I found this at my work today. I have no idea how it found its way into the store, but I guess it's a little late for preventative measures. For those of you who are furrowing your brows, trying to work out why the face seems so familiar.. Perhaps this will help.


That's right. Just when you thought the days of the Funky Junky were numbered, somehow he finds a way to jive back into your life.

As the only artist completely oblivious to the concept of a shirt, Peter Andre provided me with many joyous childhood memories. With a range as broad as walking down a beach to dancing around with a wig, he managed to captivate even my cynical, 12 year old mind. But then one day the music stopped. For 10 years he lay dormant, waiting...

Some of you may remember a bit of a brew-ha-ha erupting last year when young Peter impregnated a recent member of the UK Big Brother house, Jordan. Whether a carnal instinct to fulfil his role as a man, or a cunning piece of media manipulation, the Junky was thrust back into the limelight. Only this time, he was wearing clothes.

When given a second chance to revive a floundering career, most artists would lock themselves up in a distant wood-cabin, not emerging until they had the greatest album that they were capable of producing. Now, I'm not saying that Peter has taken a lazy approach or anything, but the big draw card of The Long Road Back is a song by the name of 'Mysterious Girl'. Sound familiar? Sure does. It was his mega hit from 1995. Has he remixed it for his new album, you ask? No. Has he given it a subtly raw, funky 2005 vibe? Hell no. Did he at least re-record the damn thing? Certainly not. So what the fuck did he do? Nothing.. Absolutely nothing. The big single off the new album is exactly the same as the big single off his old album. The final nail in this rather baffling coffin is that it actually worked.. The new/old single went to #1 in the UK.

The only thing more baffling in fact, is the second single off the album, Insania. "Surely that's a typo, Millwood!", I hear you think. Oh no. It's real. And you're right, Insania is most certainly not a real word. But before you get up on your high-horse, I should remind you that Shakespeare invented hundreds of words, many of which are now common stock in the English vernacular. The Urban Dictionary, for example has quite happily acknowledged Peter's contribution to the language. Perhaps if I put it into context:

Aging will reverse
Cloning will diverse
Insanity is slowly creeping into our minds
Where is yesterday?

Do do do do do
Do do do do do
Do do do do do
This is Insania

See? It makes perfect sense. But I don't want to ruin all the fun for you.. Put down that Eels album of yours and invest in some real music. At a meazly $30US + shipping on Amazon.com, it's quite a steal. Don't take my word for it though, see what his other fan had to say. I would offer you the copy at my work, but it seems to have been mysteriously purchased..

I had the distinct pleasure of attending an old friend's 21st a couple of nights back. In addition to the traditional shaking of one's booty and copious amounts of Victoria Bitter, I had to endure several hours of "Hey! Oh my God! I haven't seen you in ages! Like, how've you been? What are you doing with yourself these days?" After the fifth or sixth encounter, I really felt like just making stuff up. "Well, I actually just found this treasure map.. I've already got a parrot, and I'm going to the doctor for the eye surgery tomorrow."

By far the most irritating aspect of these conversations is the pressure I feel to match the other person's level of excitement. It's not like I don't try though.. I get my eyebrows up really high and start flailing my limbs about like a girl at a Hanson concert circa 1997, only to find that after the initial embrace or hearty handshake, you have two people standing awkwardly, looking around going "So... Umm.m.. Have you seen.. Steve.. Lately?" It wouldn't bother me so much, but most of the time these are people you haven't seen in several years, and weren't even that close to in the first place.

There are the odd moments of interest, like when you discover the devout Christian from year 12 got married at nineteen and is currently pregnant.. Or perhaps the girl who had the reputation of being a tad, err, promiscuous now has a two year old son. Of course, we all know this because she actually brought the kid to the party. There's nothing greater than having a jive, drinking some beer, and trying to detach a young child from your leg.. I shouldn't be too harsh though, they did come all the way from Seaford.

My favourite part of the evening is always the end of the night, when the obligatory "We should catch up soon!" rears its drunken head. Phones come out, numbers are taken down, and nobody has any intention of following through. My greatest memory of such an encounter was at a party sometime last year.. Half way through exchanging numbers I realized I had no idea what the person's name was. This left me with two options:

A) Give the mystery person my phone and make up some story about how the buttons are really small and I only just got it and don't know what I'm doing and technology frightens me so could you just put it in yourself? Or,

B) Acknowledging that I'll probably never have the desire to actually call the person, and putting in a fake name.. Say, Sausages, for example.

You guessed it, B all the way.

In the wash up, it wasn't exactly the worst party EVER, but there are certain things at a 21st you can just live without. Not the Grease Megamix though.. Without that, it's just a gathering.

Is it just me, or are Hollywood movies actually getting worse? Gone are the days when I could enjoy the comic simplicity of Adam Sandler hitting a golf ball several kilometres with a hockey stick.. Now he'd need a black, jive-talking sidekick who calls him "a damn foo" every half an hour. Oh wait.... It did have that. Well, how about the times when Rob Schneider could make a 24 carat comedy without the need for sexual innuendo? No, you're right... There was no such time. So what is it then? Because lately I've been feeling a tad nauseous sitting through trailers for the latest blockbusters.

At a point around the last school holidays, literally every film showing was either a remake of an old movie, or an adaptation of a comic book. The only exception to this was The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants. Now, call me cynical, but if the only original idea for the Winter season is about a pair of pants which get moved around a bit, we're not doing too well.

These days it seems to be all about rehashing old success stories. I understand the logic behind the remake.. You can tap into the younger market, whilst pretty much guaranteeing any fans of the original film will come flocking back to see if Hugh Grant nailed the part. Fortunately there's quite a number of roles out there for detestable yet charming British gits, and he's got the market cornered. Nobody plays Hugh Grant better than Hugh Grant.

I guess it just disappoints me to look back upon Legally Blonde and Runaway Jury and say "Those were the days!" But it's true.. Even if you acknowledge that there's no such thing as a truly original idea in Hollywood, it has been particularly bad lately. My concern is that when all the comics have been done, and the '70's has been bled dry, where will we go from there? TV shows? "Everybody loves Raymond... Or do they? A comedy of disastrous proportions."