R.I.P. JOHN HOWARD

What's going on? Is there something in the air? It seems our national icons are dropping like flies at the moment. First Steve Irwin is taken out by a stingray, and then Peter Brock is taken out by a tree. Obviously Brock was driving at a suitable speed and had complete control of the vehicle when the incident occurred, as I'm sure Irwin was behaving in a mature and orderly fashion around the stingray. But I'm not here to wax nostalgic on either of these guys. It's often been said that things come in threes, which leaves me to ponder the rather obvious question: Who's next?

They'd have to be an Australian icon for starters.. They'd have to be male, and most importantly, they'd have to die doing what they love. Now, I don't know if you believe in karmic alignment, omens and the like, or if you're a ruthlessly scientific type. Either way, I think you could agree (both of you) that it would be a tragedy of biblical proportions if the third lightning bolt were to strike the cranium of the most iconically Australian man ever, John Howard. It's far from my place to ask why this would happen, God forbid, but what I am curious about is the situation in which it's likely to occur. In other words, if the third man has to die doing what he loves, and that man was Howard, how would it go down?

It was a struggle to find anything that this man seems to genuinely enjoy, but after much deliberation, I've managed to come up with three basic scenarios.

A) Photo opportunity with George Bush backfires

This seemed to be the most obvious option. Howard's not a man of many smiles, but there's something about being in George's presence that brings out the best in him, especially when the camera lights up. The only snag here is that I have no idea how a photograph could kill a man. Perhaps the flash could trigger a chemical reaction in his retina, which would in turn send a series of high-voltage shocks to his cerebral lobe, slowly short-circuiting his nervous system until his heart gave in under the weight of the trauma. Either that or some kid behind the barricade could throw a rock at his head.

B) Vigorous morning stroll turns deadly

Howard does a lot of walking, and by golly he seems to enjoy it. This is a slightly more realistic scenario than above, as there are a million ways a man can die whilst walking down a footpath. An out-of-control lorry could come careering up the embankment and destroy him on impact, a swarm of flesh-eating locusts could suddenly descend on his quiet, inner-city suburb, devouring the skin of anyone who gets in their way, or he could trip on some uneven paving and crack his skull open. Though the most likely option, I'd hate to be the council responsible for the sidewalk. The law-suites that would ensue would make Steve Vizard seem like a pretty funny guy.

C) Faulty wiring results in dead air

Sorry. Couldn't resist. But, if there's one thing that Howard loves more than Bush photos and constipated morning walks put together, it's talking on breakfast radio. Who knows? Maybe it's the smell of the microphone, the quality of the coffee, or the seemingly endless stream of supportive phone calls.. But old Johnny looks like a clam in chowder when he's behind that microphone. The great thing about this set-up is that he's surrounded by a ridiculous amount of electrical equipment. At any moment one of the devices could malfunction, sending a plethora of lethal currents on a collision course with everything inside the padded booth. And this would be perfect, because there'd be both audio and visual documentation of the precise moment that the PM died. Plus, as noted above, there would be endless possibilities for headlines with bad puns.

Anyway.. As far as things that Howard appears to enjoy, these are the most likely candidates. I could've made some cheap, sarcastic quip about screwing the poor, setting the global perception of our country back fifty years, or reducing the fundamental ideals of the Australian way of life to a smouldering hole in the ground, but that would have just been childish. If you can think of a scenario that I may have overlooked, please feel free to contribute. Don't be shy.. It's not like we're indulging some kind of morbid fantasy here. I think I speak for all of us when I say that no one in the world deserves these misfortunes to befall them, and I certainly wouldn't wish them upon anyone.. No matter who they are.