A couple of days back I undertook quite the novel experience. You know all those advertisements insistently telling us that now is the time to become an Australian citizen? Oh come on.. You know, the one where there's an Asian girl, and an Indian family, and they all look strangely Westernised? Like they've been here for three or four generations? That's the one.. Well, it seems that they've had their way with my father, because he finally decided to become a legitimate Australian. It turns out the bastard has been living here on a bastardised British passport for the past 45 years, which I always felt uncomfortable about. He wouldn't even let me fly an Australian flag from our balcony, and don't get me started on the bangers and mash for dinner each night..

But that's in the past now.

We arrived at the council chambers to the sounds of Men At Work's 'Down Under', to be shortly followed by a Slim Dusty rendition of 'Waltzing Matilda'. It took around half an hour for everyone to arrive, find their allocated seats, and play around with their digital cameras until the batteries ran out. The potential citizens were given the option to take the oath in the name of God, or take it Godless. My father had chosen the Godless option, so he was crammed up the back with the other five or six soul-less people devoid of spirituality. Things got rolling quite pleasantly, but took a rather ugly turn around the 10 minute mark..

Enter 40 year old woman in floral dress sporting acoustic guitar. Eyes dart around the room nervously; people desperately trying to comfort each other in a non-verbal fashion. Said floral guitar lady starts to play. A brief sigh of relief as the room realizes her guitar skills are not too shabby. Relief only lasts an instant, as floral guitar lady begins to sing I am Australian in a warbly, falsetto voice, missing the high notes by a suburb or two, but still managing to render any light fixtures in the building useless. Heads emerge from hands momentarily, before the chorus is repeated once more, and then once more again. As brutal as I found the entire ordeal, which probably only lasted around 2 minutes, it was genuinely heart-warming to see so many people from so many different cultures, equally appalled by what they had just witnessed. It was enough to bring a tear to your eye. And your gun out of its holster.

The rest of the affair was relatively subdued, as the mayor made his way about the crowd shaking hands, handing out certificates, and various other items of commemoration. For declaring his loyalty to Australia, my dad received:

1 x paper Australian flag affixed to a well-carved twig
1 x tree to plant in honour of his legitimate citizenship
1 x clip on koala intended for use with either tree or flag

This was all well and good, but I still feel that a far more appropriate gift would have been:



Acutally, that's a slight revision of my initial stance, which was that no one should be allowed citizenship until they can recite the lyrics to Khe Sanh. I realize now that may be a little heavy handed, as many people prefer Jimmy Barnes' solo work. Then there's the Farnham crowd, but I presume there would be a separate ceremony for them.. Kind of like the God / Godless situation mentioned earlier.

To cap off the evening, my dad actually got a special mention in the mayor's closing speech, as being the longest standing resident of Australia in the room. I cheered and whistled inapropriately, much to the annoyance of the suited couple in front of me. Though I suspect they were already irritated about their digital camera batteries.

So, now it begins. Let there be barbeques and Fosters in the Summer, footy and Chisel in the winter, and stubby shorts with wife-beater singlets all year round. Yes, I am proud to call my father Australian.

I think it's time to steer this blog away from the grand tag spectacular, and back to the usually high level of philosophical musings. Hence, I choose to tackle a question that has been plaguing society for at least two decades: Is Molly Ringwald really attractive? With the careful guidance of director John Hughes, Molly rose to stardom in the '80's, headlining such films as The Breakfast Club, Sixteen Candles and Pretty In Pink. With a following so strong, and essentially the same cast (and plot) in every film, Ringwald and her co-stars became affectionately known as the Brat Pack.

What makes this seemingly simple question a tad complicated, however, is the fact that Ms. Ringwald has undergone more 'revitalizing' transformations than you can poke a pair of cross-colours at.

A) Most of you will remember our girl Molly as looking something like this. A little awkward, a little painful, yet strangely appealing. Shut up.

B) Then we enter phase two, where she chose to adopt a slightly more seductive persona. Unfortunately this picture makes her look more like a mother who adopted out her children and wants back in on the action. But you get the drift.

C) In her darkest hour, we witness Molly turning to the windswept, dangerous girl image. Rumour has it that this photo shoot was conducted around the same time as the initial casting for Charmed, so there may have been a method to her madness.

D) Now we enter end game. Today, we find Molly to be your standard, run of the mill, short-haired, small time Hollywood celebrity. It would appear that after some turbulent times, she finally succumbed to the system.

Although age may not have afforded her the greatest of consideration, for the majority of us, when we hear the name Molly Ringwald, we think something like this:

Take some time to carefully consider the material.. Are the latter superficial blunders enough to outweigh her childhood prominence? Was there any childhood prominence in the first place? Or did you prefer the short nerdy guy? There are many factors to consider. Once you have done so, I implore you to Cast Your Votes.

Well, well.. It would appear that I've been tagged. It's probably a good thing too, as my posts lately have been a tad non-existent. In any event, I hereby present 20 facts about myself for your reading pleasure /displeasure.

1. My full name is Alexander Dennis Lesley Mills. My father's name is Dennis, and his father's name is also Dennis. Word has it that I too was very nearly a Dennis.. Which means I could have been Dennis Dennis Lesley Mills III. What a prolific life I could have led. Did I mention my mother's name is Denise?

2. My parents are polar opposites. My father is inhibited, philosophical, and a bit of a snob. My mother is bubbly, befriends anyone who comes within a 10 metre radius, and has around 800 garments of clothing. Despite this, they have not had a single argument in the 27 years that they've been married.

3. We have a cat who goes by the name of Muffin. "I bet she's a cute little girl!", I hear you think. What a stupid thing to say. Besides, Muffin is a boy. The poor bastard.. It just started hanging around one afternoon, and my mother chose to name it before we even knew what sex it was. Recently he was simultaneously diagnosed with FIV (the feline equivalent of HIV), and skin cancer on his ears. So, we did what we could, and now he looks like a ferret.

4. Much like Brother Surly, I too have had a reoccurring dream since I was a child. It involves me standing in what I could only describe as a black void, surrounded by hundreds of huge coloured spheres. For the duration of the dream, an unidentified man is yelling at the top of his lungs.. He doesn't really say anything, just makes a lot of noise. I guess there's an angsty side to me I've yet to get in touch with.

5. For the majority of my youth, I listened exclusively to dance music. Some of the earliest songs I can remember liking are 'Pump Up The Jam' by Technotronic, 'Another Night' by MC Sar and The Real McCoy, and 'There's a Party' by DJ Bobo. My passion for the music was so strong that I ended up becoming bell monitor in grade 5, and subjected the poor little tackers to bullshit techno at the end of every lunch break.. You've never seen kids fall into line so quickly.

6.This is DJ Bobo.

7. Throughout my high school years, I was a DJ on an aspirant radio station called Pulse FM. Every Saturday and Sunday afternoon I tormented the youth of Melbourne with all manor of awful dance music, and I loved it. I recently discovered some old tapes of my shows, and the early ones are hilarious.. "Umm.m.. Hi, you're on.. Err.r.... Pulse, and... *cough* I'm.. *shuffles papers*, Umm.m.. Alex.. That was.... It... Technotronic there, with..."

8. In recent times my eyes were opened to the shallowness of the 'dance culture', and now I preside over a healthy collection of jazz, '70's rock, and non-dancy electronic music. I can get into most anything that has some passion and creativity behind it, but those seem to be the genres I'm most readily drawn too. Oh, and progressive rock of course.. Why settle for one keyboard when you can have six?

9. I have been dating this girl for around 7 months now, and things seem to be going nicely.. Well, despite a passion for Hanson which has nearly torn us apart on several occasions. I keep telling her she needs to accept me for who I am.. I mean, they're my bedroom walls, and I can put up whatever posters I want to... Right?

10. As much as I hate to admit it, I really am a bit of an elitist.. I am aware of this, and struggle against it on a daily basis. Not to point the parental finger of blame, bur from a very early age it was chiselled into my brain that the majority of people are wrong about the majority of issues the majority of the time. This gave me a pretty bleak view of democracy.. Not that that's something we need to worry about now anyway. I'd like to think that I'm getting better, but the fact that I own every early Pink Floyd album except Dark Side Of The Moon would indicate otherwise... People can be pretty contrived when they want to be.

11. I'm aware of the irony here, but one of the qualities that irritate me most in people is a heightened sense of self-perception. People like to have an image carved out for themselves.. "I listen to this kind of music, I wear these kind of clothes.. I am this." I think it's quite easy to limit ourselves in our interests for the sake of consistency, because it feels neat and concise. I'm not suggesting that I love erratic, unpredictable people.. But I think it takes strength of character to be who you are, really, inconsistencies and all.

12. I hardly ever read books. Perhaps my parents bought me too many golden books as a child and I became addicted to the pictures, but for some reason I just can't find the motivation.. I'm aware that there are many great books out there that I should look into, and would probably love. The last book I read was Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, and it took me way longer that it should have.. I've just started Consolations of Philosophy by Alain De Botton.

13. I've only ever cheated on a girl once. We went out for around three months, and the relationship ended when I chose to tell her that I had been seeing her best friend for the past month. *insert Jerry Springer joke here* I've never felt so awful in all my life.. It actually made me physically ill. As much as I hated myself at the time, in retrospect I don't actually regret it.. I think I learnt a hell of a lot from the situation, and would never even contemplate doing something like it again.

14. In case you haven't noticed, I have an unhealthy fixation with Peter Andre and East 17. Although I did like them as a child, there's no rational explanation for my ongoing interest.. Perhaps it's a chemical imbalance of some sort?

15. Cicadas scare the hell out of me. I had one land on my arm once at a bus-stop, and by the time I'd finished my performance several people were reaching for their phones. I'm more than aware that they can't possibly cause me any harm, but there's just something unsettling about an insect that fucking big. I feel the same way about photos of mutant spiders and whatnot.. It's surprising that I enjoyed Attack Of The Killer Tomatoes so much.

16. This is a token entry, but my favourite films are Adaptation, Walkabout, Naked Lunch, Mulholland Drive, and most recently, Gerry. I think film as a medium is pretty much finished though.. I mean, Hillary Duff has four films coming out next year, but she can't support the entire industry by herself.

17. I'm a bit of a pack rat. I find it hard to get rid of anything that has emotional or nostalgic value. I still have the majority of my dance CDs, despite the fact that I will probably never listen to them again.. I have draws of clothes dating back to the days when it was the shit to wear shirts five sizes too big, and a box of miscellaneous romantic material, such as love letters, photos, and for some reason, a spatula.

18. I'm currently spearheading an initiative to bring the word Insania into the English diallect. For more information, see fact 14.

19. I have quite a penchant for Italian horror films from the seventies. Titles in my collection at the moment include Zombie, Zombie Flesh Eaters, Zombie 2, The City Of The Living Dead, Oasis Of The Zombies, Zombie Holocaust, Cannibal Holocaust, Cannibal Ferox, Night Of The Living Dead, Dawn Of The Dead, Day Of The Dead, Hell Of The Living Dead, The Living Dead at The Manchester Morgue, A Virgin Among the Living Dead, and The House By The Cemetery. There's a lot more out there, but I'm trying to be selective.

20. A couple of years back I was working at a fitness centre in Frankston. One day, whilst on my smoke break, I was approached by a girl wearing a school dress. She was probably around 16. She stood there and looked at me for a moment, then asked me for a cigarette. I gave it to her, and she continued to look at me. Eventually, she said "Are you gay?" To which I replied, "Err..r.. No. Why do you ask?" She said "No reason, it's just that you don't see many nice guys around here." After a couple of minutes of questioning (age, job, etc.), she said "Do you want to go and have sex?" The best sentence I could form in reply was "Uh.. I can't right now, I have to get back to work." She tried to persuade me, and told me she was really horny. As I started to walk away, she said "Do you want to see my tits?" Unsure of how to respond to the query, I said.. "Heh.. Sure, why not." So, she took them out. Outside the movie theatre, just off the Nepean Highway. She stood there for 10 or so seconds, did her dress up, and walked away giggling.

Well, that's it. I hope it's been an enlightening experience for you. I choose to hand the torch over to Gianluca, Ekstasis, Rubydot, this Bastard because of his refusal, and Slesh again, because I want to know more.